that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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