Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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