I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
