Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
