Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
