Duck Duck Cougar?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
