Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
