arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
