She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
