im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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