i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
