Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
