I faked an abortion last night.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
