3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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