Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I want her autograph on my taint
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
