what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize