proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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