i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
