I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
