Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
