im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
