Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
