He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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