My first STD was from a foam party
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
