I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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