life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
