I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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