I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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