Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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