ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
