omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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