I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
