Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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