Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
