Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
