if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
