it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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