Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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