I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
