ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
