yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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