People in love make me want to vomit
i think i have herpe
just one?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
