I think im going to throw up on grandma
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
