cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
