I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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