conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
