do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
