I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
