i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
