Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
