Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
