I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize