I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize
