I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize