.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
