why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
