I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
