now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
