matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
