I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
foreskin is a definite game changer
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I need a beard to bite.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
God, I missed his penis.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
