Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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