I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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