you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
