Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
