what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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