AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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