I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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